— M. Shoubridge over C. Boyer’s shoulder while she searches "fused butt cheeks,” 1.2.24
“Are you on the Stanley Cup train?” “Me? I’m no hockey guy.”
— M. Augustin, G. Parsons, 1.8.24
“There’s just something about it that feels at-home to me—” “—about men running into each other.”
— M. Augustin, K. Teresi, on Sunday football as ambiance, 1.8.24
“World’s worst Hot Pocket. Give it to your least favorite person.”
— A. Seng on pizza cones, 1.9.24
“Massive bad karma with the Cub Scouts after that.”
— J. Eschweiler recalls defacing a Halloween decoration with the name of a fellow den mate, 1.16.24
“I consider the bread pre-masticated—which is neat, to be baby-birded in today’s age.”
— G. Parsons on Jersey Mike’s, 1.19.24
“I feel like I rolled in something.”
— A. Horner detects something in the air he doesn’t like, 1.21.24
“They have no society.”
— T. Marks on ants, 1.24.24
“I didn’t do a formal referral. I thought we were playing a gentleman’s game with our friend’s future. ”
— B. Ruiz, 1.25.24
“I refuse to have low-performance vehicles on my feet.”
— A. Seng, 1.31.24
“I caught Covid in Florida. I can’t come.” ”Thanks for not spreading Florida on us.”
— A. Hickey, M. Wong, 1.31.24
“When I see words I fight those fuckers like I’m in ancient Rome.”
— T. Marks, 2.1.24
“That baby looks like it’s 90 years-old.”
— A. M. Augustin, 1.31.24
“It *is* an El Niño year, I’ll remind you.”
— T. Klotz justifies 50 degrees Fahrenheit in January, 2.1.24
“That was the camel that broke my back.”
— S. Koster, 2.3.24
“We all have a whisper of the ’tism; some of us, a shout.”
— G. Parsons, 2.6.24
“It’s over for you fools once these women are hydrated and at EASE!”
— L. Callis, 2.6.24
“After much deliberation between my face grapes and my skull raisin... ”
— C. Staples, 2.6.24
“Being an assassin is a great sin-eater job.”
— A. Horner, 2.8.24
“Anyone interested in being a new product tester?” “Has it been tested on rabbits first? Baby rabbits specifically.”
— A. Jones, A. Horner, 2.9.24
“We should scheme up something a little extra special for her this year.” ”She’s gotta Saukville slam 40 ounces of maple syrup.” “We want to give her a good time, not diabetes.”
— D. Pearson, A. Horner, 2.9.24
“I didn’t cry for Joni Mitchell because I didn’t know the song.” ”She didn’t know the song ‘Both Sides Now.’ Should I divorce?”
— S. Cyr, V. Kraus, on the Grammy’s, 2.11.24
“I see a lot of God’s light in you. His winter light, specifically.”
— R. Armstrong on Christian-coded color season analysis, 2.12.24
“My next TikTok: a screenshot of me on this call with 8 men, set to the Barbie song ‘What Was I Made For.’”
— A. Hickey, 2.13.24
“What you ate looked like a cockroach, so...”
— K. Brady, 2.17.24
“I’m working on the Drew Barrymore show today and they are giving every guest a $100 gift card to Van Leeuwen’s, but what about for the crew?? 😭😭” “Yeah what about the crew’s fiancé too.”
— R. de Lemos, E. Schleicher, 2.20.24
“Put a Fitbit on these shoulders, baby! Shake a mile.”
— P. Shively feels the groove of a new tune, 2.20.24
“My asshole still flaps in the wind.”
— C. Levy, 2.21.24
“Yes, I have the forehead crease of an Irish potato farmer in 1845.”
— E. Johansen, 2.21.24
“Grandpa was always zen.” “Which is amazing for someone who went to war.” “He talked about being in Korea with so much tenderness. The bloodiest war!”
— A. M. Augustin, M. Augustin, 2.22.24
“The bane of my mouth.”
— C. Staples on having a name with a double sibilant, 2.22.24
“Like, is this your first day here?”
— L. Dahlgren on social influencer fails, 2.23.24
“Who puts their kid in a radish hat? The answer is me, the second I have a kid.”
— J. Eckles, 2.26.24
“Your hair looks nice.” “Wow, thank you!” “If you tell someone their hair looks nice, they might give you something.”
— E. Pearson (Age 6), A. M. Augustin, 2.26.24
“I don’t pay for pain.”
— G. Johnson, 2.27.24
“I’m a slut for gradients.”
— B. Zimmerman, 3.1.24
“Whenever I see photos of Felicity my heart opens with joy. I think I will one day be cremated with my Felicity by my side.”
— K. Savela’s ode to her American Girl doll, 3.1.24
“They’re so loud when they use the megaphones in their minds.”
— T. Klotz on sperm whales. 3.3.24
“I’m the opposite. Pisces season recharges me. Everyone else is Le Mis.”
— S. Augustin, 3.7.24
“Will I see the Vitamin D god?” “Yes but you can’t look directly at it.”
— L. Dahlgren and G. Parsons discuss sore throat cures, 3.7.24
“I just wanna run into Sterling K. Brown and show him I can cry on the spot, too.”
— T. Klotz, 3.13.24
“Did you eat a clove of garlic today?” ”Stop telling people to do that. I tried it once, and it didn’t work.” ”You drink, like, ten Red Bulls a day. You’re not the pinnacle of health here.”
— T. Marks and G. Parsons debate common cold cures, 3.13.24
“He was doing SO well until the “C**T” sticker—words I never thought I’d say.”
— R. Armstrong assesses a summer intern candidate’s thank-you note, 4.3.24
“Well, stealing Theonious really would be a heist, because he’s so big.”
— K. Teresi considers what it would take to let loose the neighbor's lawn tortoise, 4.7.24
“I should have realized sooner, how much I like attention.”
— K. Teresi, 4.7.24
“I mean, you either can ride a bike, or you can’t. ”
— A. Briere pokes holes in the plot of Irish Wish, 4.7.24
“I think of study hall as in-school suspension.”
— K. Teresi, 4.9.24
“Rubber chicken of the woods.”
— K. Teresi, 4.10.24
“Nature’s elixir flows from the goblin’s teat.”
— K. Teresi, 4.18.24
“You of all people should support my Omega-3 journey.”
— G. Parsons, 4.22.24
“Dusky business.”
— D. Cass describes purple for Hues & Cues, 4.26.24
“The child does not fully trust me and has a frown that is advanced for her age.”
— K. Teresi, 4.27.24
“I got rid of him.”
— G. Pearson, Age 3, in a low scratchy voice, closes the door on a house guest, 4.29.24
“Nothing doesn’t touch my gullet.”
— J. Larson, 4.29.24
“Everyone has their cross; and nary a serf to carry.”
— G. Parsons, 4.30.24
“I’ve lost my chappy, and me lips ain’t happy. Dunno what I’ll do to soothe these puckeroos.”
— A. Horner, 5.17.24
“Seems like a poor use for fruit.” “Well, it’s definitely a poor use for water.”
— C. Staples, H. Daughhetee, 5.21.24
“I stay in goof-mode in this tuxedo T-shirt of a personality.”
— G. Parsons, 5.24.24
“Andrew 3000? You’ve heard his new album?”
— J. K. Horner, 5.26.23
“It’s the Stradivarius of eggs.”
— N. Brady on Fabergé eggs. 6.3.24
“Had a wholesome walk to Whole Foods to get some cough drops and bananas and tea early this AM. Put the humidifier on and opened my MacBook. A real WASP-y morning over here. Petting my Golden Retrievers.”
— J. Larson, 6.7.24
“Mom jeans: so well suited for any monkey.”
— V. Koci, 6.9.24
“Just a smug, thrifty little frog over here.”
— R. Armstrong, 6.13.24
“I can’t pass up a good clothespin sale.”
— P. Jones, 6.24.24
“That’s a lot of eye contact for a man eating corn.”
— G. Parsons, 6.24.24
“Cutest little farm house. Cute as a bug’s ear.”
— D. Augustin, 7.3.24
“I’d trust anybody who’s got a canoe hat and a Chuckwagon shirt.”
— D. Augustin, 7.7.24
“It was a warbler of sorts.”
— A. Horner, 7.8.24
“I’m a veteran of the cracking arts.”
— C. Staples, 7.10.24
“What a job. Carcass hoister.”
— A. Horner, 7.12.24
“It’s the kitty litter for puke.”
— A. Seng on Voban Aromatic Absorbent, 7.24.24
“Anybody wanna grab a drink after class with me and Maja and our babies?” “I didn’t know they could drink.” “How do you think we get them to sleep?”
— C. Kaivo, A. Naumaan, 7.23.24
“It tastes eerily of marshmallows.”
— H. Bennett’s first bite of what seems like a bowl of marshmallow-less Lucky Charms, 7.25.24
“Faya had a rhinestone in her fur? It’s probably from that cool gay dog.”
— K. Brady, 7.29.24
“Where is Kristin? Did we sell her?”
— S. Tolongola, 7.30.24
“My grandpa drove with both feet.” “On the steering wheel?”
— G. Parsons, A. Seng, 7.30.24
“You were like this.” “What—unchangeable?”
— G. Horner and T. Horner observe a toddler's diaper change, 8.1.24
“See how my muscles are gone? I don’t know if you’ve noticed...”
— A. Yuniz, 8.6.24
“I’m a softie for apples.”
— A. M. Augustin, 8.10.24
“For BIG snot.”
— H. Daughtree considers a giant bandana, 9.7.24
“By this point it’s getting crazy: I am handing out Fireball; Nate is playing Ja Rule.”
— K. Brady, 9.17.24
“Where did I go wrong in life to be shushed by a librarian?”
— E. Csuy, 9.22.24
“I don’t have enough melty dollops in my life.”
— T. Klotz, 10.18.24
“Yeah, but my dad sneezes quite loud. Even strangers tell him.”
— D. Schaefer, Age 6, 10.19.24
“When they’re in the wrong place, hands are scarier than feet.”
— G. Sinner, 10.26.24
“Was that the squeak of the floor board, or the squeak of my wife?”
— A. Engsberg, 10.26.24
“So much extra fiber. I felt like an alligator trying to swallow stones to grind my food.”
— G. Parsons, 11.7.24
“I told her about Carol, too, and what an honor it was that she had been chosen. I was there for 5 hours—to color my hair its natural color and get this clown haircut.”
— K. Teresi laments unfortunate results at the salon, 11.8.24
“I am just a cheese-grating monkey at her beck and call.”
— G. Parsons, 11.27.24
“Can you take my water bottle out of the fridge?! My rosary’s on there—Jesus is freezing!”
— E. Pearson, Age 6, 11.30.24
“I don’t bake often, but when I do, I fucking GO.”
— K. Brady, 12.1.24
“I love that girl, but she’s low-key obsessed with saints.”
— D. Pearson on E. Pearson, 12.6.24
“Thank you for the birthday wishes! I have the day off. We’re having a radon mitigation system put in.” “It’s radon’s death-day today.”
— K. Savela, N. Augustin, 12.12.24
“I may need a bite to eat. I’ve had a donut and a hot chocolate. That’s, like, *the* Buddy The Elf diet.”
— C. Boyer, 12.14.24
“Was he any good at cribbage?” “Yeah! He’s apparently dyslexic, so he was, like, REALLY good.”
— M. Augustin, K. Brady, 12.16.24
“Waldorf Atheists.”
— C. Levy, 12.19.24
“Just bones floating in an ocean of chub.”
— K. Teresi describes an X-ray of an infant's foot, 12.20.24
“My poor husband. He is the color of paste.”
— A. White sympathizes with her unwell spouse, 12.21.24
“My eyeballs are sweating.”
— G. Johnsen saunas, 12.25.24
“I tell my lamps, ‘This is where you’ll go to die.’”
— P. Jones on home decor, 12.25.24
“I’m not sleeping with my Louisiana cousins. There’s no way.”
— A. Augustin considers bunk arrangements, 12.27.24
“Eclipses were for hot drunk sluts exclusively. Everyone I knew who had one totaled it.”
— R. Armstrong on Mitsubishis, 12.28.24
“I wanna be that rich.” “You are rich.” “Not $5,000 bookshelf rich.”
— M. Wong, B. Ruiz, 12.30.24
“Smellin’ bullshit ain’t hard. You don’t need to be a super sniffer for that.”
