“Oh, God. Give me one of those suits. A dream come true. My body covered in a rubber shiny suit so you can see all of my dimensions in one viewing.”
B. Zimmerman, 1.19.19
“Car camping is not an excuse to bring your fucking life.”
R. Armstrong, 1.23.19
“Wow. That was like Indiana Jones but for socks.”
A. Horner, moments after throwing a balled up pair of socks into a drawer as it closed
S. Horner reads the dictionary definition of grifter – a small-scale con artist.
B. Hill: “Oh! Gypsies.”
2.2.19
”You’re not the only person who Marie Kondo’d their underwear drawer.”
Clare Boyer, 2.8.19
“Leaning jowler. That sounds like a position I pass out in.”
L. Gadbois, 2.13.19
“That’s my gluten hand for pig tossing.”
E. Dunker, 2.13.19
“Oh – her? She’s the woman who’s being a lettering bully online.”
C. Brink, 3.7.19
M. Augustin: “I just enjoyed a little Face Time sesh with Evie.”
C. McNamara: “I just enjoyed a little Face Time with a slice of carrot cake.”
3.29.19
V. Kraus: “You’re deep in that butter dip.”
S. Cyr: “It’s like butter fondue.”
4.3.19
“You remember that ottoman. It was shuede.”
A. Horner, 4.5.19
“I’ve had some bad therapists. I started lying to one of them.”
L. St. Clair, 4.5.19
“I’ve had two bad Russian haircuts.”
E. Schleicher, 4.5.19
“I love nepotism. I wish I was nepotized.”
L. St. Clair, 4.5.19
“Vagina dentata. I know that Spanish.”
E. Schleicher, 4.5.19
“Honestly though I’m not a perfectionist. I’m just not very good at it.”
L. O’Meara, 4.18.19
“OK – the cat is wearing a fruit protector. I die.”
A. Koch, 4.19.19
”Text [mom] right now and say: Kate believes she was breast fed. Why weren’t we?”
K. Savela, 5.3.19
A. Horner: “Obviously there were some poor choices.”
K. Savela: “Getting knocked up by a patron of Hooters, for starters.”
5.4.19
“If they’re spelling ‘orb’ with an A, they aren’t readers.”
V. Kraus, on L. St. Clair’s high school mascot, 5.18.19
“Why is it called ‘backtalk’? I have an opinion, too, y’know!”
V. Kraus, 5.18.19
“But if the rooftop is open they WILL be out of rangoons.”
J. Wentzell on moto-i, 5.29.19
M. Augustin: “You keep your car keys in your back pocket all the time?”
C. McNamara: “I’m a man!”
5.31.19
“A deacon? You go back to school for that?? I thought that was just the job they gave to the ones who stuck around too long.”
P. Jones, 6.2.19
“Wanky Wonka and the Chocolate Factory.”
A. Griendling, 6.2.19
“She’s a baby boomer! She didn’t foot shit.”
A. Griendling, 6.2.19
“For some reason my dad isn’t into dangerous stuff but he’s obsessed with bottle rockets.”
S. Manzano, 6.4.19
“My dad always referred to the crabby neighbor across the street as Gladys Kravitz and I thought that was her real name.”
V. Kraus, 7.8.19
“Pop quiz: Would you adopt a dog that ate its deceased owner? My dad read about that story and said, ‘That dog did everything it could to survive.’”
V. Kraus, 6.8.19
“Anyone who shops at Dress Barn gets what they deserve.”
R. Dupre, 6.17.19
“Her sister was barbering her a lot.”
K. Teresi on lab mice, 6.22.19
“Generally we don’t think guinea pigs possess much athleticism.”
A. Koch, 7.6.19
“Oh, come on! You don’t want to get married even ONCE?”
T. Vyštajnová, 8.6.19
“What currency do you use in Mexico? Pesetos??”
M. Shoubridge, 8.7.19
“We don’t have aliens in the UK.”
M. Shoubridge, 8.7.19
J. Horner: “I’ve got beet powder. And now I’m adding moringa.”
B. Hill: “What’s that?”
J. Horner: “I have no idea.”
8.4.19
“Those machines are useless. They’re like voting booths. They make people feel like they’re participating in democracy, but they aren’t.”
A. Griendling on TSA X-rays, 8.18.19
“My belly turns into a waterbed.”
A. Griendling on drinking water before bed, 8.18.19
“Yeah, but I got a non-consent photo of *this* dog.”
J. Schmuck, 8.19.19
M. Augustin: “Sometimes [when I’m home alone] I feel the need to check the closet before I go to bed.”
J. Schmuck: “I mean, I’m not one to check the closet.”
8.19.19
“She was absent the day they handed out smiles, is all I can figure.”
H. Munro, 8.21.19
“…and now he’s trying to get down with pepper hands?!”
R. Prochnow to A. Horner after he’d sliced and handled a jalapeño, then tried to give a massage, 8.21.19
“I’m sending my kid to blind immersion school.”
I. Babineau in response to A. Horner when he characterized the School of the Blind as “the place where you learn how to be blind”, 8.21.19
A. Horner: “Oh, look. There’s a unicycler.”
E. Pierson: “Better than seeing the uni-BOMBER, I’ll tell you what.”
8.24.19
N. Mihalevich, “We should spend a day walking up to people, shake their hand and say, ‘deal’.”
G. Johnsen: “See how many deals we can get.”
8.24.19
“I triple dog dare ya – kick that sunnabitch.”
A. Augustin after a shot of Fireball whiskey, egging on D. Augustin to knock over a freshly completed jigsaw puzzle, 8.30.19
“There’s only been a few times in my life when I’ve thought: Oh. I’m gonna die now. And all of them have been while whitewater rafting.”
N. Augustin, 8.31.19
“I do not despair that you are not in a pair. The sock is alone but soon it will come home.”
A. Horner having a moment with a lone sock, 9.5.19
“I’m a desolate nester.”
C. McNamara, 9.6.19
“I mean, I’m not sittin’ on soup.”
C. Johnson describing the ways of his soup swap community, 9.6.19
“My latest follow is this toad. Highly recommend.”
D. Harvey, 9.7.19 on Instagram content
“Buy cheap, buy twice, I say. Buy once, cry once. That’s my motto now.”
J. Becker, 9.9.19
“I heard she does yodeling now. She’s a yodelist.”
B. Hill on Jewel, 9.14.19
“It looks like Italy in here.”
A. Mondor, 9.20.19
“I wrote a children’s book. Pun intended.”
J. Noble’s attempt to create a pun from the topic: Children’s books, 9.22.19
“This is what happens when you try to cure pancreatic cancer by eating vegetables.”
A. Horner’s commentary on the user-unfriendly design for charging the Apple Pencil, 9.23.19
“Easter was on my birthday this year. I don’t know WHY. It just was.”
A. Horner, 9.23.19
“Lisa Frankenstein? As long as it’s not Anne Frankenstein.”
D. Costeria, 9.26.19
“I wonder if I still have my fur covered rock …”
K. Lang, 9.30.19
R. Armstrong: “Well I’m related to Garrison Keillor.”
C. Parker: “Congrats. You’re related to a pervert.”
R. Armstrong: “A pervert with IBS.”
10.5.19
“I have lipstick in every pocket of this coat.”
C. Brink, 10.11.19
“You look like Little Red Robin.”
L. O’Meara, 10.11.19
C. Parker: “I said that to you, too.”
R. Armstrong: “It means more coming from a gay man.”
On compliments, 10.12.19
“Instant replay is just kind of living in the past.”
J. Steinhorst, 10.14.19
“Tell him to do it half and half! Like a bald-headed twist cone.”
A. McCleary, 10.15.19
“I told you my grandpa was clown centric.”
L. Baker, 10.17.19
“ … and suddenly I’m four Reese’s cups deep. And then I come home to make dinner, which will take awhile, so I have another.”
M. Hubbard, 10.31.19
“I understand that you pour the raw goat milk over the kibble but please don’t feed it to Evie before I find the science to back it up.”
K. Savela defending the importance of pasteurization, 11.2.19
“Tommy and Mandy came back with three gallons of this super power milk they feed to autistic kids.”
M. Pearson, 11.2.19
“I would have thrown my bra onstage.”
K. Teresi hearing about her CEO crush speaking at a public event, 11.7.19
C. Dischinger: “How would you address this with your mother-in-law?”
C. McClain: “My mother-in-law? I call her by her first name.”
11.8.19
“I would rather be needled in the face. In my EYE.”
K. Crawford expressing her fear of snakes, 11.12.19
“What if you put a sock on the needle?”
V. Johnson offering the ultimate clapback, relating a fear of needles to the suggestion that a snake is less scary if it’s inside a sock, 11.12.19
E. Janisch: “And you found out who the murderer was in your dream?”
A. Johnson: “Yeah, it was a kid I didn’t like very much.”
11.16.19
“I could see Target being good [about paying artists fairly]. I could also see them being total fucking dicks about it.”
A. Horner, 11.16.19
“One thing I know for sure: Corporate loves a sizzle reel.”
K. Battarbee, 11.20.19
“I must lust after clowns. I MUST. The wound is deep.”
J. Messersmith impersonating an aficionado of clown burlesque, 11.24.19
“Whenever he gets hurt, he goes off running.”
A. Jones on P. Jones, 11.24.19
A. Babel: “At work today I watched somebody eat four burritos from Chipotle.”
L. St. Clair: “Do you work at a frat house?”
11.25.19
“I like Cleveland. I’m not taking any more raggin’ on Cleveland.”
A. Babel, 11.25.19
L. St. Clair: “That’s not a dildo.”
S. Cyr: “No, that’s a lamp.”
11.25.19
“You sage twice daily?”
L. St. Clair, 11.25.19
“If you want to see what the Big Bang Theory is like when no one’s laughing, just come to my house when it’s on.”
C. McNamara, 12.5.19
“Porter wasn’t feeling well, so we tried Netti-potting him.”
V. Johnson, 12.6.19
“Just shoot me if I ever wear a poinsettia headband (or anything remotely like it) like the one on page 5B of this week’s Ozaukee Press.”
A. Comer, 12.12.19
“So stick a Guinea pig up your shirt and pretend.”
J. Toestchinger, in response to my wondering about fetal movement, 12.18.19
“ … but the pee stuff, I dunno why the pees matter.”
A. Augustin, doubting the logic for measuring an infant’s urine output, 12.21.19
“No. I’m not cancelling ice cream.”
A. Horner in response to a flavor-mix up, 12.21.19
“So I’m not a fan of pugs, no. That’s the short answer. I want a dog with a nose it can breathe out of.”
K. Savela, 12.24.19
“It’s normal for mice to eat their first litter of babies. ‘Missing’ is the term in my lab – but let’s just call it like it is.”
K. Teresi, 12.29.19