Best of 2013

You’re ready to be a mom now! You should settle down. 
M. Hayes responding to a successful bridge shuffle by C. Boyer
2.3.13

I want a saggy tattoo. 
L. St. Clair
2.3.13

I would be on seeerious uppers if I had to smile for six hours. 
L. St. Clair on the Golden Globes
2.3.13

If I’m gonna eat something phallic in the morning, it’s gonna be a banana. 
V. Kraus on Go-GURT
2.3.13

Girls – are scary. Women are scary. 
L. St. Clair
2.3.13

Ooh, Microsoft Word. Click on that. 
K. Savela, Augustin Christmas ‘93 on VHS
2.3.13

I would never go to Mars. 
C. Boyer on the prospect of civilian space travel
2.3.13

Where is there a place that Subway isn’t?! 
C. Mastel
2.3.13

I don’t think I’d take a bath with one of my friends. Nope. Gotta leave some sense of mystery. 
C. Hadju watching GIRLS
2.3.13

The California roll is the training wheels of sushi. 
B. Oberg
2.4.13

Whiskey turns any situation into a Western bar fight. 
J. Lukas
2.5.13

They don’t let me hold the birds, but I do sit across from an eagle. 
S. Dentinger on what it's like to intern at the Gabbert Raptor Center
2.6.13  

It’s a fleece. It’s anyone’s mistake. 
D. Kasper surveying a stranger putting their coat on inside-out
2.9.13  

Fuck whores, Go to Blarney’s. 
B. Dondero being a gentleman and a scholar
2.11.13

Farmer this, Farmer that. No; they’re pretty much migrant workers these days. 
G. Geitzenauer on Chevy’s “God Made a Farmer” Superbowl spot
2.12.13

Aou are an adult. LOOK at that couch. 
C. Mastel
2.15.13

That’s one of Miller’s titty lemons – don’t eat it. 
C. Hadju
2.24.13

Ryan, you picked Hugh Jackman? A very homosexual choice. 
C. Hadju
2.24.13

Bitches love that Abraham Lincoln. 
C. Welsh
2.24.13

I comb my hair eight times a day because it feels so good. I’m like Marcia Brady. 
K. Johnson
2.26.13

Heavy is the head that eats the crayons. 
E. Bretl
2.27.13

Hallie Mathers is 17 years old. File that under 'Shit that makes me feel old’.
T. Putnam
2.27.13

It’s mostly just like: You aren’t really what I’m looking for and you aren’t my potato sack girl, so, sorry. 
J. Eschweiler on OkCupid matches
3.1.13

It’s the kind of food that, after you finish chewing it, you aren’t sure you want to swallow. 
C. Boyer describing kale
3.1.13

You’re at the Mall of America: the world is your bathroom. 
K. Zboznovitz
3.10.13

He’s not a breakfast person, but now that he has diabetes, he chokes down a bagel in the morning. 
N. Rhodes
3.10.13

You know who’s a fox, though? Judy Jetson. 
K. Zboznovitz
3.11.13

If you were my lady, I’d slay said bear and we would feast upon the bounty. 
B. Oberg
3.12.13

We’re all gonna have the meat sweats in about 20 minutes. 
L. St. Clair
3.12.13

Looks like a Swiffer vagina to me. 
C. Mastel
3.12.13

No; they’re dropping it into a woman. 
K. Savela on sperm donations in Israeli prisons
3.17.13

Two-toned black and blonde? That’s dick-sucking hair. 
B. Dondero
3.18.13

It’s the Willenium. Anyone’ll suck a dick. 
A. Plumeau
3.18.13

'Hunter Tucker Simon’. Three first names. You cannot trust him.
K. Zboznovitz
3.18.13

Nah, that’s a 1-surface chin. 
K. Zboznovitz
3.18.13

That woman sneezed, and freaked out her daughter, and ruined the entire soccer game. 
A. Plumeau reacting to a Zyrtec commercial
3.20.13

Outta the way, molester. 
D. McCabe  
3.20.13

It’s a ninja. I don’t know how it got in here. 
C. Welsh regarding the neighbor’s cat
3.23.13

No, she’s an odd bird. 
J. Lager
3.23.13

Yeah, you can basically do whatever you want now. I mean, Imgur says you’re 'trusted’, so… 
C. Boyer
3.26.13

In those 7 to 8 months of freedom, I had a lot of fun. A lot of fun. I slept with 3,000 women. 5 a night. Started in the morning. 
A. Zetzman  
3.28.13

I'm indifferent. Thumbs sideways. 
B. Oberg
4.4.13

Fake cry on me on me once, shame on you. Fake cry on me twice, shame on me. 
C. Boyer
4.4.13

You know, I have all the Jurassic Park toys in my basement if you wanna play dinosaurs sometime. 
N. Michaels
4.5.13

Please don’t let your Tamagotchi dictate your mood. 
V. Kraus
4.6.13

Oh, how the lunch tables have turned. 
N. Michaels
4.7.13

Sickiepants will come too. 
G. Geitzenauer
4.12.13

All of my mockery voices are the exact same: Retarded New Yorker. 
B. Oberg
4.12.13

I’m wearing a cardigan – so, I can ask him out. 
C. Kluge
4.13.13

You know, you go home and try not to hit your wife, so you kick your dog. And then you go back to work the next day and do it all over again. 
E. Herzog
4.13.13

I don’t hate it. 
L. Moss upon first sip of milk stout  
4.13.13

I fucking love you, man. Where’s Jenny? 
C. Nelson
4.14.13

Like your mom never hurt a baby… 
S. Creegan
4.19.13

She looks like she had fetal alcohol syndrome – and lived to tell the tale. 
S. Creegan on Tara Reid
4.20.13

The wink is not because it’s a joke. I just don’t know whether initiation is a hallmark of that group, as I am not the expert here. 
J. Eschweiler
4.21.13

There are kids in Calcutta stomping on mud to make bricks. Know what they get for lunch today? MUD. 
G. Geitzenauer
4.23.13

I was only painting a picture. You don’t have to rain on my puppy heist. 
N. Michaels
4.23.13

I mean, imagine that: In Switzerland, with a cup of espresso and a cigarette, overlooking the mountains. I just had an orgasm thinking of all of those things together. 
L. St. Clair
4.23.13

Sell it – or post to FB that you have an extra ticket: *Does not include late night shower*. 
B. Oberg strategizing for a spare Poliça ticket
4.24.13

Hmm. Do I want a player with legs - or without? 
N. Mihalevich playing Mario Tennis 64
4.29.13

Remember when you were trying to convince me that the weather in Minnesota isn’t actually that bad and that spring comes really early and all that? I knew you were bullshitting all along. 
J. Eschweiler
5.1.13

That’s what I hate about church: Everyone wants you to fucking talk. 
L. St. Clair
5.1.13

If you got money, you don’t need pants. In Mexico, at least. 
B. Oberg
5.3.13

I never got that far, because the bug came. 
A. Horner, woken from my bug dream
5.6.13

Dunno. I just keep thinkin’ 'bout that bug. 
A. Horner
5.6.13

Correct my spelling again and we will no longer communicate on this platform. 
C. Baertlein
5.7.13

They’re cute, but rapey. 
V. Kraus throwing shade to ducks
5.11.13

I have some dessert in my purse and I wanna go eat it. 
M. Trehey
5.11.13

Queef Latifa. 
N. Nelson
5.12.13

The speed with which a woman says 'Nothing’ when asked 'What’s wrong?’ is inversely proportional to the severity of the shitstorm that’s coming. 
C. Boyer
5.13.13

I paid for comedy, not a bible confession session. 
L. St. Clair
5.13.13

“You took a nap in a closet together?” 
It was a big closet. 
K. Zboznovitz
5.13.13

Condiments are personal, man. 
T. Hoecker
5.14.13

Ponder this: I’m taking you to tickle street. 
A. Horner
5.15.13

You rank 47th in average temperature. At least you’ve got Alaska beat. 
J. Eschweiler on Minnesota winters
5.15.13

I’m freaking exhausted from kettlebells. 
J. Eschweiler
5.17.13

Hey! I met him! The Dalai Lama? I served him dessert. 
C. Welsh
5.18.13

It takes you back to that sandwich – every time. 
C. Boyer on the benefits of making orgasm sounds while eating
5.18.13

I love how you think I’m judging you, when I debated buying squirt cheese just an hour ago. 
L. St. Clair
5.21.13

Do you hate everything even remotely cool? 
C. Baertlein
5.23.13

You got a wild hair up your ass? 
B. Oberg
5.23.13

Camping in bad weather. That’s when you stay in the tent the whole time and come back pregnant. 
M. Thomas
5.28.13

You’re gonna love the drummer. He is your kind of human. 
B. Dondero
6.3.13

I swear Dr. Wade was just whistling the Lion King song in the hall. Like, when Simba re-meets Nala when they are adults and have that series of lion dates. 
C. Baertlein
6.5.13

The Hiltons sure do know how to build a hotel. Now, if they could only raise daughters who remember to wear panties… 
R. Armstrong
6.5.13

You can take away my life, but don’t take away the damn sun. 
J. Scholz
6.6.13

I’ve been noticing recently that I’ve got a lot of Constanza in me. 
J. Eschweiler
6.11.13

Who has bought a pelt in 2013, specifically mink? 
A. Horner
6.14.13

See ya later. Have a nice gay. Suck it easy. 
B. Dondero
6.15.13

One week, and she’ll be back on the pizza. 
Abdi commenting on a jogger's future
6.15.13

Nice gold crocs, man. Like that’s not a sin… 
A. Buss
6.16.13

I may not be heavy enough to set off the airbag, but I’m no weakling. 
D. Jacobs
6.18.13

Get in the van. 
B. Olson's best attempt at a pick-up line
6.19.13

If this thing goes coo-coo-pants bluey, give me a call. 
M. Benninghofen
7.1.13

Is that the tall one who’s always drunk? 
J. Spencer on J. Lager
7.6.13

I feel like I could throw up right now without even trying. 
A very full L. St. Clair
7.7.13

[She] sent me a snapchat of her naked body with her legs in a smiley face shape. I saw her vagina. I know what her pubic hair looks like.
L. St. Clair
7.7.13

Alli will be a sheep. Veronica will be a merchant, cuz she’s Jewish. 
S. Creegan on Settlers of Catan IRL
7.7.13

That’s like saying heterosexual men don’t like fat women. There are TONS of people who like fat women. 
L. St. Clair
7.7.13

What a fun and clever thing to do: Tossin’ sticks. 
K. Zboznovitz
7.7.13

You know those days where you see yourself in the mirror and you wanna pull a master and just stare at yourself while yanking it into the sink and talking to yourself because you look so good? Today is not one of those days. Yesterday was and no I didn’t but damn I coulda. 
J. Toetschinger
7.8.13  

What’s worse than being stuck in traffic with Gotye on the radio? And my hip is killing me, so I have a wad of coupons under my left butt cheek. 
M. Pearson
7.9.13

You both have meaty faces. No, you want it! People who don’t have it age quicker. That’s why people get botox, because they don’t have meaty skin.
M. Pearson
7.9.13

Be careful about dating lawyers, because they typically have a lot of student loan debt. 
K. Savela
7.9.13

Back in the shiitake holocaust of 2013… 
N. Augustin
7.10.13

You would be a terrible detective. I would not hire you. 
B. Oberg
7.11.13

Sometimes when you cuss it is the epitome of hilarity. You just don’t have the face for it. 
B. Oberg
7.11.13

Bugaboo Laundry Dryer. 
A. Horner, misheard
7.13.13

Lenee Rimes
C. Boyer requesting a song at the Otter Bar
7.14.13

It’s gonna be loose, and wild – like a sack of potatoes. 
A. Horner about to blow a raspberry
7.16.13

The John Stamos of pizzas. 
J. Toetschinger
7.17.13

I do not care. I saw him without a shirt on and he needs to go on a diet.
J. Toetschinger
7.17.13

Plus, he’s the president of some financial company. Doesn’t scream 'Jehovah’. 
J. Toetschinger
7.17.13

Maxwell House should partner with Durex: Keeps you up all night to keep you up all night. 
J. Toetschinger
7.17.13

Stuff your sassies in a sack. 
J. Toetschinger
7.25.13

I will show you what my uncle gave to me and you can tell me if you think it’s drug-related or not. 
V. Kraus
7.28.13

I gotta wear the same shirt tomorrow, which I like. 
B. Horner
8.2.13

I can catch anybody making toast. 
G. Horner
8.4.13

I’m not putting any money into Justin Timberlake’s pocket. 
J. Eschweiler
8.5.13

It is good that you can love all kinds of people – but to make the relationship last in a meaningful way, it needs to reach past normal love and get to the deep, very personal love that can only be shared with that one person. Like, if love was a Poke'mon: Charmander is the easy one that you get with many good friends. Charmeleon is the love between close family and really close friends. Charazard is the really special love that only can exist with the significant other. Sorry if Poke'mon reference is over the top; seemed like an easy way to express my thoughts. 
C. Baertlein
8.6.13

I don’t know whether it was out of loyalty or if her tastebuds just died. 
J. Schmuck lamenting her mother's choice of plain cheese pizza
8.6.13

It’s for cake-eater kids from Eden Prairie – like mine. 
G. Geitzenauer on Hollister
8.7.13

What big, gay eyes you have. 
A. Horner
8.8.13

The more bumper stickers you have, the less enlightened I think you are.
V. Kraus
8.8.13

Poodle’s fed, time for bed. 
C. Boyer
8.10.13

I despise fluorescent lights. There are few things that tick me off more than bad lighting. It does NOT increase productivity. In fact, it stifles it. Now, cool lighting – there’s something to be said about that. 
A. Horner
8.10.13

*whip sound* Jacksons, homie. 
G. Geitzenauer with a stack of 20 dollar bills in hand
8.12.13

I’ve stopped trying to make it into work in the mornings. I sleep until whenever I get up, waltz in around noon. It’s really liberating to stop holding yourself to such a high standard. 
J. Eschweiler
8.13.13

You need to stop drinking at lunch. I’m telling Carol. 
G. Geitzenauer
8.13.13

Because – his family, they’re like animals. They’re so at home in the wilderness.
R. Armstrong
8.13.13

There’s a fucking pet cemetery outside my childhood bedroom window. 
R. Armstrong
8.13.13

Come over! We’re making arm tacos! 
C. Boyer
8.13.13

They’re Swooned. 
c. mastel
8.14.13

Co you recognize Paulie Shore? Wait until he takes off that stupid hat. 
C. Baertlein
8.14.13

Someone jacked my Blublockers. What is this world coming to? You make 13 dollars an hour and you’re gonna steal a man’s plastic framed sunglasses? 
N. Michaels
8.15.13

Suck my fucking chode. 
Here it is, it’s my ass, bro. 
Whiff this brand new hole. 
Haiku by B. Dondero
8.18.13

Ever have Five Guys in your mouth? 
R. Hargarten
8.23.13

J. Spencer: Yeah, but I don’t want bathroom soap. Or bathroom gum –
m: – bathroom cum?
C. Kluge: – and then some random guy is squirting it into my hands! 
8.25.13

Hate to Sex-World-and-run. 
C. Boyer
8.26.13

Old man doctor talking to me about 401(k)s as he’s fondling my balls. 
N. Michaels
8.29.13

Something amazing at the fair is the size of the balls on those animals. I could not stop looking. 
V. Kraus
8.31.13

Genital beard. 
M. Blank
9.2.13

Flesh nectar. 
A. Horner's term for sweat
9.7.13

Benny and the eggs. 
C. Boyer
9.8.13

Remember the time i called the Jack 'the Jew’? 
C. Boyer playing cards
9.8.13

You should try my vaporizer. It’s like vegan smoke. 
N. Michaels
9.9.13

Grad students need naps and that is just a fact of life. 
J. Eschweiler
9.10.13

I just don’t understand the thinking behind it. It somewhat makes sense, but why does she have to be Tony Stark naked? 
E. Bretl on Miley Cyrus’s “Wrecking Ball” video
9/12/13

'Lipstick’ – as in the type of lesbian she was. If i was going to objectify her, I would have called her 'Blonde’ or 'Boots’. She had nice boots and I thought about yelling it each time I passed her – but then she’d think I said 'boobs’, and I didn’t wanna deal with that.
J. Toetschinger
9.13.13

Mine was always 'wolfdog’. Dunno why. 
C. Welsh recalling her first e-mail password
9.14.13

My mom’s nickname in high school was Picklepuss.
C. Welsh
9.14.13

I will show them how holy I roll. 
M. Pearson
9.26.13

It’s wrong to waste cheese. 
K. Lynch
9.27.13

And it’s all because of my brow ridge. I’ve got freaking Heisenberg’s brow ridge. 
B. Zimmerman
10.1.13

Jizzus cripes. 
B. Oberg
10.1.13

As long as they don’t shut down the abortion clinic, I’m okay with it. 
M. Thomas on national park government shutdowns
10.2.13

We’ll take a giraffe of sangria, please. 
R. Barker
10.2.13

The next two weeks will be perfect tripping weather. 
M. Erler
10.2.13

In fact, I think you need to be a graphic designer in order to live in Portland.
B. Oberg
10.4.13

You sounded like Meeko. 
C. Boyer
10.4.13

I would donate my body to science so my family could have me as a feast. 
A. Horner
10.5.13

I cannot be tickled any color. 
B. Zimmerman
10.9.13

Shake the hand that shook the hand [of Wayne Coyne]. 
N. Michaels
10.9.13

When did people stop being scary for Halloween? 
A. Horner
10.16.13

There’s not enough thinking going on here. 
A. Horner
10.19.13

It’s a good time to commit suicide, or assist someone else in the process. Could make a lot of money selling razor blades or Kool-Aid. 
M. Thomas assessing gloomy weather
10.23.13

But, moving on: A guy on a segway just drove by our office indoors. Makes sense. 
B. Oberg
10.25.13

I just don’t trust people with thin lips. 
J. Eide on Michael Douglas
10.25.13

Yeah, dating sucks – until you’ve been married for 30 years and then it gets fun again. Just kidding, I’m not dating anyone. Your mom and I go on dates once in a while – when she works up the courage to ask me out. 
J. Boyer
10.26.13

Ugh. You got clare drunk without me? See, none of this would have happened if I’d been there. We probably would have gotten naked, and danced around, and everything would have been FINE.
F. McGinn
10.26.13

Look at my underfingers. 
L. St. Clair showing off her wrinkled fingertips
10.26.13

Newt starts with G: GNEWT. 
L. St. Clair
10.26.13

Why am I such a snack monkey today? It’s like I’m expecting or something. 
G. Geitzenauer
10.28.13

Pat yourself. Somewhere. 
N. Michaels
10.30.13

Wanted to tell him to back off my jimmies and maybe smile. 
B. Zimmerman
10.31.13

It rattled me viciously, to the very core of my being. And when I recovered, my judgement had passed of “Eh, not for me”. It came off more as a goose birthing a bunny, which I don’t condone. Poop jokes, however, I am usually for. 
C. Baertlein
10.31.13

Next, you’ll be running with scissors. Putting pens away, uncapped… 
G. Geitzenauer
11.1.13

I made a GREAT CASSEROLE. I get a horse. 
B. Zimmerman
11.4.13

Why not just melt cheese onto a circular piece of cardboard? 
B. Oberg on Jack’s frozen pizza
11.6.13

He looks like a dad I’d like to marry. 
C. Boyer on George Clooney
11.7.13

Some young broad left her ugly purse here. 
VFW bartender
11.9.13

I get one nibble of chocolate and I’m like a honey bear. I am going into the hive, even if it’s gonna sting. 
R. Armstrong
11.12.13

McCrae got obnoxiously drunk off Bloody Marys. [He] ended up wrapped in a half-burned American flag, vomiting beneath the deck.
A. Lavell
11.12.13

Most diamonds come from a bad place, anyway. 
C. Boyer validating a hand-me-down divorcee’s wedding ring
11.16.13

Have you seen Mulan recently? Because it is hilarious. 
C. Welsh
11.16.13

Step-by-Stepdad: a 90s cover band. 
A. Horner
11.23.13

When you have an honest meal at McDonald’s with someone, your relationship moves to the next level. 
C. Boyer
11.25.13

She loves angel shorthair cake. 
B. Zimmerman
11.28.13

Oh – did they take it off the internet because it’s too cool? 
A. M. Augustin
11.28.13

If I ever propose to someone, I’m gonna stick the ring in Jell-O. 
B. Zimmerman
11.30.13

I don’t think you can be too holy to be gay. 
A. R. Augustin
11.30.13

Honestly, regarding the beavers, I don’t mind a hairy one and I told [her] it was fine if she let it grow and stuff. But now she explicitly grows it out and refuses to go back. I keep mine trim enough. I would be willing to do whatever she requested – and that’s the difference. I empowered her and she betrayed me. 
J. Eschweiler
12.3.13

I hope you have more fun than a star spangled rodeo into sunset land. 
N. Michaels
12.6.13

Scoop to my Lou, my darlin’. 
C. Boyer
12.6.13

You didn’t answer my previous question, you dodgy wet-footed person. 
B. Oberg
12.18.13

G. Horner: You headed to bed, Fred?
B. horner: You bet your boots. 
12.21.13

Sounds right up my alley: A pillow? A crusty pillow?? 
C. Boyer at the description of a veggie pasty
12.22.13

Drivin’ through the snow to get to the Jesus show. 
D. Savela hoping to catch midnight mass
12.25.13