Like, “mom will appreciate that I like an old recipe of hers. She will also appreciate that I’m trying to be an adult that brings apps to a party.” But, no: “Google it.” That’s such a fragile phrase. It’s prickly. You have to say it with finesse.
C. Boyer
12.31.2014
I can’t just unbutton my pants, say, “Too many cookies,” and have people not be weirded-out. Also I won’t be wearing pants, so there is that.
L. St. Clair
12.30.2014
Make like a breach baby and back out.
C. McNamara
12.23.2014
I don’t have calves. I have cows.
H. Munro
12.18.2014
What are these, hand emojis?
B. Hickey observes sign language
12.16.2014
Do you take it by the mouth?
C. Boyer delivering cookie dough in the style of communion
12.15.2014
Makes me wanna hold my boobs and keep them safe.
L. St. Clair reacts to the term “suckling”
12.10.2014
That’s why I didn’t like college, because of the terrible lighting.
A. Horner
12.7.2014
She’s the only person I know who can gulp potty.
M. Augustin intending to say “gulp coffee straight from the pot”
11.13.2014
I hate how easily they’re amused by flashing lights and slot machines.
J. Eschweiler
10.27.2014
Men want me. Women want to be me.
C. Kluge
10.24.2014
Ps You’re and chairs boyfriends are not invited the gang misses you two so no baggage lol
A verbatim text from B. Dondero
10.23.2014
There’s nothing more pathetic than a man in search of a meeting.
C. McNamara
10.22.2014
What kind of monster would play god like this? tThis is some human centipede shit.
J. Becker on a hybrid LEGO-K'nex set
10.16.2014
By ‘madness,’ we’re thinking more along the lines of rabid.
H. Munro, on March Madness themes
9.29.2014
Jupiter! Mars! April!
M. Trehey’s Catch Phrase guesses for “It’s a planet”
9.20.2014
Have you met anyone from Vermont? They are the crunchiest.
L. St. Clair
9.19.2014
I revealed myself like a gentleman.
J. Becker
9.17.2014
Zebras are nature’s UPC codes.
C. McNamara
9.15.2014
*whispers* I’ll show you my bag video after this.
A. Horner on American Beauty
9.13.2014
You should’ve seen the moth that flew out of the bookcase today. It was the size of a barbie doll head.
K. Savela
9.12.2014
Of course I’m in it! I didn’t knit this whole sweater for someone else to wear.
M. Benninghoffen on the play he wrote
9.11.2014
Life *is* all-terrain.
H. Munro
9.11.2014
At this point, all of the power couples of Port [Washington] have been solidified, shaping the social landscape in a way that probably makes home visits a lot less fun.
J. Eschweiler on Thanksgiving eve at hometown bars
9.8.2014
You can still have a ton of fun—but you won’t feel good about it.
A. Horner likens Reno and Las Vegas to Chuck-E-Cheese and Dave & Buster’s
9.5.2014
The stuff we do in the bathrooms never seems to go over well.
R. Gibson
8.28.2014
Ohh, i get it. ‘Cuz of the licking.
Uncle Jay on the term “philatelist”
8.22.2014
What color do they taste like?
A. Horner
8.21.2014
Maybe if you jog hard enough it’ll fall out.
H. Munro on ovarian cysts
8.19.2014
C. Boyer: I wore glasses for a week and tried to convince everyone I needed them.
A. Babel: I tried parting my hair in the middle for a week. It sucked.
8.17.2014
Railroad ties. I love the smell of railroad ties.
N. Mihalevich
8.16.2014
People really come out of the woodwork when their favorite porn star gets beat up.
J. Eschweiler
8.13.2014
Mully and Sculder
C. Kluge
8.10.2014
My dad stunted my social growth because he was racist against the Japanese and didn’t let me play Poke'mon.
J. Schmuck
8.9.2014
The black dancy troupe.
R. Anhorn
8.3.2014
You’ve got a thing about your face.
L. St. Clair
8.2.2014
I was trying to figure out if there were more tears or blood on my face.
C. Baertlein
8.1.2014
German sounds so... cacophonic.
C. Welsh
7.31.2014
Where’d you go? I turned around to say something about manatees and you weren’t there.
H. Munro
7.29.2014
Do their kids have webbed toes?
J. Schmuck
7.25.2014
The only thing worse than having a mammogram is having it in the parking lot of the place where you work.
H. Munro
7.23.2014
So, with Siri as my scribe, I texted him at 3 a.m. to explain the dream.
C. Boyer
7.21.2014
Their map tools are excellent, and the interactive forecast table is everything I’ve ever dreamed of.
J. Eschweiler, a wunderground.com aficionado
7.21.2014
When I said that, your father looked at me like I had three heads.
J. Pearson
7.7.2014
Well, I told him: 'We definitely need to get married before hay fever season.’
G. Safstrom recounts her engagement story
6.7.2014
I had a creative director who used to draw tiny dicks on the headlines he liked. So, yeah, instead of checkmarks, stars, or circles… tiny dicks.
A. Zetzman
5.12.2014
I don’t know him that well. I didn’t know he was gonna wear Oakley’s.
C. Boyer
5.10.2014
No, no, no. I can drive my own phone.
C. Boyer
5.10.2014
Oh, and Josh Keenan keeps threatening to poop his pants if the Minnesota Wild breaks their streak.
C. Boyer
5/1/2014
You always wondered, but you never REALLY wanted to know.
C. Boyer on severed cat tails
5.1.2014
You mean mouth janitors?
J. Lukas on dental hygienists
4.23.2014
I’m not a lunch person. I have a protein shake in the morning, and that tides me over. Then by 4 o’clock, i’m ready to eat my own shoes.
J. Borchardt
4.23.2014
If me dragging you across the street is like a princess, then yes.
D. McCabe to C. Boyer (“Did you carry me home like a princess?”)
3.30.2014
At least we can look outside to see it. She was working from a windowless office. That would make me want to kill myself every day.
C. Bergeron on snow
3.27.2014
I’m most concerned that she’s double spacing her lines.
L. St. Clair reacts to a heated email
3.26.2014
My god. Is THAT place a cougar zoo…
G. Geitzenauer on Champps
3.24.2014
I know which bird you mean. The one that goes, 'yoo-hoo’?
A. Horner
3.23.2014
The day I flew to Germany, a plane went missing.
K. Savela
3.21.2014
You should get a WWJD bracelet. And I don’t mean J for Jesus.
J. Eschweiler
3.19.2014
Oh well. Wasn’t meant to be. We’re poaching the same crop now.
B. Zimmerman on Ellen Page’s coming out
3.18.2014
I would totally date a beard.
C. Boyer
3/9/2014
So they can have a baby, but we can’t get a bunny?
J. Spencer
3.8.2014
We’re a killer team. Jenny orders stuff, I pay for it.
C. Kluge
3.8.2014
I just have a bad taste in my mouth. It’s… salty. Like, really salty. So salty.
J. Spencer
3.8.2014
When I imagine his brain, I imagine that there are bugs flying around in it.
C. Boyer
3.5.2014
Just chop me up and turn me into something special.
A. Horner’s last will and testament
2.28.2014
Dog bites can heal you.
C. Welsh
2.27.2014
I’m so glad we’re all on the same page about hot dogs.
C. Boyer
2.25.2014
I appreciate a safe environment to throw in.
C. Boyer at intramural dodgeball
2.25.2014
Make it out of potato vodka.
J. Schmuck on bloody marys
2.23.2014
Who knows? It was one of those faceless person dreams.
C. Boyer
2.23.2014
One of those born-again virgins.
R. Armstrong
2.22.2014
You really do have significant fingers.
A. Bergeron
2.1.14
Three faces to the wind.
In memoriam of C. Bergeron’s dad
2.1.14
Ooh, that really chaps my ass.
A. Horner
2.2.14
He threw it at me like a Poke'mon.
C. Boyer on dodgeball technique
2.2.14
Funny thing is, the guy that did the hiring is the guy I have to consult for my semester project. I could go in and blow his socks off and then snobbishly say, “Hey man, you could have had all this!” and throw my hands up and down the length of my body like some jilted lover.
B. Zimmerman
2.5.14
This is why people who have TVs in their room don’t have sex. You forget that you’re… alive.
L. St. Clair
2.6.14
I’ve been thinking today. Is the Mona Lisa smiling?
T. Franklin
2.7.14
Man, I hope my daughter’s a lesbian.
N. Mihalevich
2.7.14
I came home from Vietnam and said something like: ‘Pass the fucking peas.’
D. Augustin
2.14.14
Is Turtle Flambeau a game, or a dish?
D. Pearson
2.15.14
There’s nothing worse than a bear running after you—but a bear on fire? Just pissed off, knows it’s gonna die anyway…
A. Horner
2.15.14
We hates ellipses. We hates them forever.
A. Zetzman
2.19.14
Bashful cabbage. Smudged liver.
A. Horner
1.2.14
I just ruined my third birthday.
A. Horner, dismantled VHS in hand
1.6.14
Saw you played the Miss Misery song by Elliot Smith and at first glance I thought you were playing a Missy Elliot song.
B. Zimmerman
1.7.14
And my mom was really worried because I got them… in my area.
M. Boyer on chicken pox
1.11.14
Honeydew is the poor man’s cantaloupe.
C. Boyer
1.18.14
Let’s play a game with our mouths.
T. Klotz
1.25.14
Cuppa Jeff.
T. Klotz
1.25.14
Fancy alcoholic.
J. Sandlin
1.26.14
Just the same tropical bullshit.
J. Lukas on Trolli eggs
1.28.14