Best of 2021

“How are your hands so cold? Your body is so warm.”
“I know. I’ve been thinking I need to—“
”—get new hands?”

“I’m very interested in guys from Iowa. I’m gonna try to date a lotta ‘em.”

“Did they find a date who also wanted satanic food?”

“Joe’s is the best massage I’ve ever received. Literally climbed on top of my body.”

“That’s where you and I differ on our chicken wing journey. Finger licking has never held me back.”

“I’m sure it’s the Cheez-Whiz of brie.”

“They are invisible until they aren’t there.”

“Matt Bellinger could impregnate me with his smooth baritone vocals.”

“I could never be on SNL. I’d be worse than Jimmy Fallon.”

“I’ve been trying to corner the market on teleportation for years!”

“I dunno about you, but if my date was taking me out and I really wanted them to know I was worth it, I’d order the tube of pizza flavored Pringles.”

“I feel like a dead person when I’m around her.”

“Men’s fashion has gone too far. We’ve come full circle where men just wanna be monkeys again.”

“My heart soars every time I see a Taco Bell or a Pizza Hut converted into another building.”

“How many mice do you think they used for this movie?”
”A bucket full.”

“The pernicious peach pits partied in Pennsylvania.”

“Enjoy that Cool Guy hair while you got it, kids! Dad is as bald as I am. Beautiful man. But folic-ly challenged.”

“Piper has a tapeworm. Also I’ve been learning about contraction and relaxation of sphincters. Just a big week for buttholes over here.”

“You can exceed expectations if you meet expectations 100% of the time.”

“You know; that guy who cares more than he maybe should because he’s got a good heart and is always one step away from just snapping on a mo-fo.”

“OK, it’s clear you were running errands at night.”

“I always tell my kiddos: The first part of being brave is being scared. You’re scared, so now you can be brave. It doesn’t always work, though.”

“I mean it’s not like he’ll show up at my door someday and say, “Kids, your Daddy’s a fraud.”

“This is a fucking brutal game.”

“I was only in it for the soup.”

“Everyone who has ever ruled the world has probably done so while carrying a satchel of their own urine.”

“Nobody jumps in golf.”

“Not to take a hard turn but do you know what bad shape Bam Margera is in?”

“The pandemic is nature’s chastity belt.”

“The colors make it seem more like Easter Madness.”

“Olden times give me the willies.”

“The last thing anybody needs more of these days is chairs.”

“When that person leaves the factory, they don’t keep chopping meat all night.”

“She’s a Grade A fretter.”

“Hobby Lobby makes better dresses than that.”

“Now she can really make the hippies suffer.”

“Love to chug milk before cage dancing. Under hot lights.”

“Every time you tell me that, it goes wrong.”

“He isn’t blind?”
”No, he just looks deranged.”
”He has goat eyes.”

“I grew up in a Tupperware household with these taco stands that rendered the Old El Paso Stand n’ Stuff Bowls useless. Cannot recommend them enough. Also I didn’t know how to peel an orange without a Tupperware citrus peeler until I was 25.”

“My family and friends call me the Pun-isher—because I tell them to.”

“Those are the kind of dairy proportions I like to see. I won’t touch a potato that doesn’t have a 3:1 sour cream and butter ratio.”

“I might make up that we want to have future kids unfortunately.”

“Hmm, that’s interesting.”

“I like my Crocs with a big fuckin’ heel.”

“C-B-Going somewhere.”

“What are you planting this year? Hopefully Water Buffalo for fresh mozzarella purposes? I’m not much of a gardener, but I assume that’s how that all works...”

“They called him Hungus; Hungus Babyeater.”

“Hate that things are built for singles. Besides Kraft singles, of course. The true symbol that you are alone in this world. If you’re eating Kraft singles.”

“I really wanna get into tracksuits.”

“She’s spooky, like a little Victorian ghost.”

“From running tracks to running nose.”

“Before we go back to that conversation I do have to say: Half of my day is coffee, and then it switches to ‘When am I gonna get to have hot sauce’?”

“I’m the eyes and he’s the ears.”

“I’m into alternative hummuses.”

“I did a *lot* of cotton candy Bubbalicious when I was young.”

“Well. I should probably not bring my purse with six knives in it to Sara’s Table.”

“Gotta be careful not to look too Nantucket Boy.”

“Kumbayah, bitches.”

“I’m guessing it was easy, cheap, pretty, went down easily and was readily available. An ornamental hooker of sort...”

“He’s an old...douchebag!”

“Fucking dumb white people with no skin in the game. Nancy Pepsi came out with some dumb shit, too.”

“Tim Burton doesn’t have much love for diners.”

“We need a country where people are poor and backwards.”

“Nate spilled battery acid in the basement. The Rug Doctor did NOT know what to do about that.”

“Feels like this is his opus, no?”
”Opus as in important?”
”Opus as in: ‘Midwesterner accidentally runs into someone and wants to signify their remorse’.”

“Maybe drag him to therapy one day and release the deacons
Demons*”

“Nick’s birth weight was some disturbing amount... like 11 pounds. We will never have children. My body is not interested in birthing a toddler.”

“...the fuck?”
“That’s my dog.”
“Oh that’s a DOG. Thought it was a hyena...”

“I feel like, if I actually gave a shit about financial stuff, I’d have better ideas.”

“Or I dunno. I think I read people with allergies wrong.”

“I would LOVE a milk flight.”

“I’ve been thinking: Why are the professors hired as nighttime corridor monitors? They must be constantly drinking cocaine potion. They don’t sleep! They teach all day? And patrol all night? This is my new Grandpa Joe.”

“How many pregnancies does Madame Pomfrey deal with per term if these kids don’t know any better?”

“Problematically wet. It sounds like stirring macaroni in a pot.”

“For me the golden arches are welcoming—but what is *not* welcoming to me is the Arby’s hat.”

“Nah, I’m good.” [Shields eyes from sun with phone] “I’ve got this shade app. It’s a coaster app, too.”

“For the record, Eileen and Tom had a LOT of scissors.”

“For whatever it’s worth, it’s Bob Dole’s birthday today.”

“You look like a Fembot in that.”

“I bet basketball players have wood floors in their houses.”

“He’s been 45 since he was 8.”

“And you’re driving a 20-year-old Eclipse! Get off the highway.”

“Now that’s the kind of parabola I like to see. That’s a good pendulum.”

“Once you see their boobs, they kinda disappear after a second.”

“It’s honestly just another example of how they don’t know me. They think I wear shoes all the time.”

“Whenever Jared hurts himself I have to leave the room to laugh by myself.”

“You know when you’re an intern and you have *opinions*?”

“Everyone on my job was, like, going to Fire Island and fucking strangers, so...”

“We’re not washing our Doritos anymore.”

“Oh no. My truck ranch is expired.”

“Can You Feel The Love Tonight is an excellent song.”
(Later)
I mean it is a PRETTY song! Damn!”

“Babe, condense that shit—it’s rice.”

“When you told me you were a dancer I assumed you meant a table dancer.”

“Is 69 really a comfortable temperature? Or just a pervy joke that every man wants on display. Growing up my house was always at 69 and I can’t look at my dad the same.”

“I saw Justin Beiber perform last night and I liked it.”

“Your new house is super close to Kirsten and Alex’s...and, more importantly, a gun shop.”

“Well I had hot pepper jelly the other day and was like ‘put it on everything’.”

“Let’s compare our enzymes.”

“Yeah that’s why some pee-pee call me Dick.”

“I think I’m done with laces.”

“Oh...you have the ‘Safstrom downturn’ from the news.”

“I gotta tell you, I could never genuflect in church.”

“I am forever changed by the conversation about Christmas Shoes.”

“Stripping myself down is the bees knees.”

“Are you getting a read on the monitor?”
”No.”
[A cough is heard from the monitored room]
”Well she’s clearly alive.”

“Um. Decorating cookies is thirsty work.”

“Satan definitely blew MY light out.”

“She should literally choke on an egg. A jade one.”

“If it was a blue sky it’d be pink time right now.”