Best of 2020

“That would be bad. You’d hafta pull wooly fire outta my ass. ”

“By comparison, birch [wood] only burns at 600 BTUs. That’s trash wood. ”

“Gwyneth Paltrow is a stain on society.”
“Who’s named ‘Gwyneth’ anyway?”

“It’s like when you’re younger and everyone loves Jesse McCartney – and you’re like: Who’s this guy?”

“Since I caught this cold I keep wondering how I would have been treated on the Oregon Trail. Like – would I be pulling something? Or would they put me on a carriage to die?”

“I’m perfectly fine covering it in Vaseline and putting a sock over it for the night.”

“I’ll be back. I’m out of hydrating face moisturizer.”
“Know what I do for a hydrating face moisturizer? I cry.”

“I ate too much, I drank too much, and on Monday I discovered my fat pants are just pants.”

“She’s single, isn’t she.”

“ — and afterwards we went downtown to our favorite bar, Constantine.”
“Our ‘favorite’ bar. We’ve been there two times.”
“Yeah, but how many times have we been downtown? Three times.”

“What is Criss Angel doing these days, anyway?”
“Holding his breath, probably.”

“I was about 6 [years-old] and I didn’t know it was wrong to harvest parts from your sister.”

“I mean I wouldn’t say she’s clumsy but she’s definitely knockin’ shit over all the time.”

“On Twitter they’re outing senators who ordered milk at the impeachment trial and Ted Cruz was the first one.”

“I got my eyelashes tinted once. I also got my eyebrows done. I looked like an albino Ronald McDonald.”

“Donald Sterling is what Bowser looks like as a man.”

“Ultimately it was my mom and her Mexican temper who taught me ultimate cage fighting.”

“Maybe the dongle ate your baby.”

“The last time I waterskied I got a natural enema.”

“I had a hamster when I was growing up. It was a female hamster but I named it Icky.”

“This is 100% more Third Reich than I expected.”

“Last night when you were asleep, I was experimenting with your head, and …”

“Isn’t Fred Armisen asexual?”
“You definitely don’t want to do him.”
“I think he’s a raging torrent of love!”

“Do you guys ever feel like, when you call the Service Desk, it makes everything worse.”

“Mountain lakes are pretty cool.”
“Mountain lakes?”
“Yeah, lakes of the mountains.”

“Anyone need to use the bathroom? I’ve gotta unleash this quiche.”

“This is the funny part of the story: All I had [to shoo it] was a baguette. I waved my baguette at it.”

“It’s like the Teri Schaivo of pets.”

“Well I’m not sorry my team knows Damien Hirst and ‘reptilian’.”

“I think Dan and I are in similar situations. We’re burned out at every moment of our lives.”
“You don’t think I just described that [about myself]?”
“Dan and I are the ones with brain fog. Admitted brain fog.”

“Are you not an animal person?”
“I would rather play soccer than be with animals, you know?”

“I’m feeling the social pressure to get a fiddle leaf fig.”

“Yeah. Nothing beats orca.”

“I can either be young or moist. I cannot be both.”

“On our social distancing walk today we stopped at a Little Free Library and they had a bunch of DVDs. They had the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles movie, and they had El Niño ... ”
“You mean Nacho Libre.”

“I usually don’t buy juice ‘cuz I drink it like a parched man in the desert.”

“Did you watch Alley Cat Strike?”
“Molly didn’t have cable [while growing up].”
“Poor! Poor! Poor!”

“I wanna see Lou Ferrigno come back as The Hulk”
“Is Lou Ferrigno still alive?”
“He’s still alive and I bet he’s still keepin’ it TIGHT.”

“Is that your squeezer [pillow] or your under-your-head [pillow]?”
“She’s got a lot of squeezers.”

“Not even one you’d pick for a skipping stone”
“Ohh – the kind that f*cks up your lawnmower.”

“How crazy is it that Da Vinci was a master of art AND science?”

“I too whip my belt when I get weepy.”

“Nextdoor is my sparkle.”

“So I think I have a decently awesome idea.”

“You don’t understand. When I flushed, nothing changed.”

“In middle school we used to go to Subway before dances. One time the new girl came and ordered a tuna sub with oil – and I was like, ‘You are not gonna be cool. The New Girl Mystique is lost’.”

“I was exposed to Surge and I had to be removed from the birthday party.”

“Carl called the TV ‘big TikTok’.”

“I’m constantly disappointed by the sprinkles here.”

“I want to go to the Dutch island of Curaçao and ride an ostrich. Always something I have wanted to do.”

“There are a couple who are so starved for human contact that they approach you with arms outstretched, like hungry wood ticks — but we outrun them.”

“Her eyes are wide apart, like an iguana. But not a sexy iguana like Natalie Dormer.”

“How long could it possibly take?”
“How long would it take you to suck up a bucket of sand through a straw?”

“I just wanna kill something and I wanna be prepared.”

“Anyone who takes a boat marked ‘FREE’ on the side of the highway is a fool. I’ll say that.”

“If I’m stressed out, to the Q-Tip box I go.”

“N. Brady: “So I inherited this ream of – “
R. Armstrong: “A ream of reamers.”
”

“It’s like hitting a piñata without the blindfold on.”
“There’s no challenge but you still got all sweaty and worn out.”

“My dad has a pretty gross thing going on right now. Chris Cornell tribute, he calls it.”

“And Gas: Where you get any kind of hotdog you want – and Gas!”

“I’d be willing to take 10 years off my life if it meant no mosquitos.”

“Do you remember going to summer camp and they made, like, lemonade with sulfur?”

“I won’t overdo it. But that’s exactly the kind of painter I am.”

“Are they just for dotting?”

“I just don’t get where they’re coming from.”
“Well, I think they’re defending themselves.”
“Yeah, I’m asking: How are they getting inside? Not ‘I can’t relate to them’.”

“There was a guy at work we called Bucket Head. He had a big head.”

“Ugh. I feel like the tin man before he got his oil.”

“I lost a magnet today; I’m not gonna lose the marble game.”

“If they can request it they are too old.”

“Papa, you have a floppy flag.”

“I left a basket of scones on the doorstep like baby Moses on the Nile.”
“What a lovely surprise! And much less responsibility than raising the leader of the Jewish liberation from Egypt!”

“There’s an air of impermanence in California.”

“I like to think I’m still that age – but then I look around my apartment and I have a pizza cutter and enough toothpaste, and multiple comforters. You can definitely tell I’m 27. I did not have those things when I was 21.”

“By the way, I can set daily alarms for you. Would you like me to do that?”
“No – and never ask me that again.”

“I’m, like, actually kind of OK at Weird Al.”

“But, like, if I need info *now* I go to TMZ.”

“All hot dogs are wet dogs.”

“Come on! Would you rather be suffocated through a clear bag or a black tarp?”

“I’m curious how these festival witches fit into the larger storyline.”

“I have some down booties like that in white. So toasty, like marshmallows for my feet.”

“The English language contains many words, but not enough for that overstuffed ball bag.”

“The Holy Grail of pigeon books.”

“My sister likes to get down with the muddling and sometimes she makes them fancy for us.”

“Do you even know how hard it is to buy goobers in a pandemic?”

“It’s worth a Larry David GIF.”

“Goodwill hasn’t raised wages for their staff in forever, despite profiting from our used goods. All the more upsetting while a good portion of their employees are adults with disabilities.”
“And Salvation Army hates the gays! What’s left?!”

“He’s getting pickled like Keith Richards.”

“Not all ghoulish statues are gargoyles. They have to be shitting, I learned.”

“Could you imagine having another child because the first one wasn’t good at playing the tambourine?”

“Did you hear they figured out the Zodiac killer’s – “
“ – zodiac SIGN? He’s an Aries, bitch!”

“A ‘Yosemite Sam Mudflap’ is when you get down on all fours and shit, then grab a shotgun, point it at your lover and say, ‘Get the hell away from me’.”

“The mold maker man is swimming in my coins!”

“I have never watched Stain Peaks.”

“Time flies when you’re comparing childhood diets.”

“To be fair they look like a Picasso when they come out. It takes a couple hours for the pieces to come together.”

“We should’ve stapled 2020 shut like he did with December 24th.”

“What is it called in British culture? Men who care about the way they look.”
“—? Parlour boys?
”

“When The Saints Go Marching In – you know that one? I crushed that.”

“What is it called when you first get into bed and wriggle under the covers?”
(A moment later) “Bedtime thubbins. You thub around.”
(Another moment later) “Oi! I like gettin’ my thubbins.”

“7-up tastes dusty after a week. it’s a well-known fact.”

“That’s why I slowly but surely fell in love with the flesh wagon. I became the trash person I always was.”

“He just looks uncomfortable in his face and I can’t figure out why.”