“Desperately trying to get Ansel’s body clock back to Midwest time. Laid next to him until 11pm listening to the terrifying whale sounds he loves to fall asleep to. ”
P. Jones, 1.5.25
“Seven mutilated corpses, eight confirmed dead…”
“Is this a Christmas song?”
“He has the hobbies of a turn-of-the-century worker.”
“Harry Potter is for children. Lord of the Rings is for adults.”
“Have you ever thrown up so much you got lobster claws?”
“I haven’t thought about emphysema in forever.”
“Have you heard about the latest in outdoor gear? Wool mesh. People be out wearing rave clothes.”
“I’m a firm binger of shows now. I can’t be bothered with weekly releases.”
“It’s a gusher. It’s an Italian gusher.”
“I need that emoji but in hooves.”
“I don’t mean to scare anyone but if this shelf fell down we’d be dead.”
“I have a new favorite flower, in case you guys are interested.”
“What did Jesus get—frankincense? Myrrh? What is myrrh? Can you eat myrrh?”
“That is an 80-year-old happy man, not a dog.”
“You kind of look like a Cybertruck. I’d give you the look I’d give a Cybertruck.”
“I’ve got a soft spot for shitty criminals.”
“His mom was a turtle psycho and he didn’t know?”
“I was so happy after that vacuum demo and now I’m not.”
“Damn, those are fancy skates. I just had bowling shoes on wheels.”
“You’re putting food that Xfinity gave you inside your body?”
“The Amish know a thing or two about yo-yos.”
“It’s fully manic that Maria made seven children’s play outfits out of curtains without measurements in one night.”
“There was no lamby restoration for me.”
“I listened to about half of the audiobook which is fantastic. Didn’t finish because it requires full attention to understand wtf is going on.”
“But, you know, not big fat brats. Classy meats.”
“When I was a kid I really thought snakes would be a bigger problem.”
”I thought tarantulas would be a bigger problem.”
“That bar was big Catholic vibes.”
“We fought at the Cow Pie Factory, we fought in line in Cancun.”
“I had this cute, 50-60-something guy standing next to me, snapping like a champ. Didn’t have snapping at a Jack White concert on my bingo card, but there he was.”
“Anyway, I’m going to look past the fact that Kara just shared a picture of our child on her birthday with a thread called ‘Penis People.’”
“Talk about not having a clock.”
“I’m caught in the middle at work. Sort of a Hamlet, Scar-Mufasa situation.”
“I’m drunk on vibes.”
“A land surveyor? People still do that?? I thought that was, like, George Washington days.”
“Everyone was Irish back in the day.”
“I like Park Dental. They’re all lifeless. They have dead eyes. No gimmicks.”
“We’re now finally getting the dong that we deserve.”
”The year of the Dong.”
“I don’t trust adult men who go by Matthew, by the way.”
“Isn’t there a saint who has grey robes instead of white robes?”
”Gandalf?”
A. Horner, 5.10.25
“Winds: a sneaky opponent.”
“I don’t know how I would feel about being told ‘You are done here but you have to work and stay engaged for another two months.’ If someone wants to get rid of me, they’d better make sure I’m dead.”
A. Jones, P. Jones, A. Horner, M. Augustin, 5.29.25
“There’s gonna be some hulky people.”
“To be clear, if anyone pranks me EVER, no matter how small: jail. I have April Fools’ Day baby trauma. But I do love seeing women in male-dominated fields aka pranking. ”
…
A. M. Augustin on grandparent-retiree essentials, 6.3.25
“Carl did something nice for you today.”
”He’s taking you off my hands. What else?”
“Each of the three of you have slightly different flavors, but overall share a love for the cute and lightly deranged. You: more small animals and knits; Danica: more Shrek and wine; Liz: more olives and Furby.”
“Too much Thousand Island?”
”It was like four-Thousand Island.”
“What bird is that?”
”Bird.”
“Silkworm?? I don’t think we can say that anymore.”
“I’ve never seen one of those in control.”
“It’s like Lord of the Rings but less battle and more kissing.”
“My dad half-and-halfed his Miller High Life with IPAs for about a year.”
”Like changing a dog’s food?”
“I’m having a crisis. I want to be excited but every time I look at the ugly orange glitter font I want to barf. I love Taylor but she’s a girl who takes on her boyfriend’s identity and aesthetic; so she was peak when dating Joe because he was refined, stylish, and British. Travis has no taste and just wants to make her into an IG bimbo. The thing is I bet the music is going to be 🔥 because she’s finally working with Max Martin again who produced my favorite album 1989. So I will listen to it blindfolded.”
“You like gambling?”
”I don’t know if you know this about me but I fuck with stocks. I have for a long time.”
“They’re low-level picks groups that operate on Discord—which is a sentence that would probably kill a peasant in the 1600s.”
“I don’t want to put anything in my mouth from there.”
J. Hill, 9.16.25
“Were you a kid-on-the-shoulders kid?”
”I know nobody believes me but I have like no childhood memories.”
“I wanna cry a little.”
“He brought back some sort of Irish potato sickness.”
“How many hooters before you get weird?”
“My parents have one of those and I don’t want to talk to them about it.”
“I felt like I was on Bakeoff because I made two fillings and I was out of time.”
“And then you’ve got an unwanted weasel. Imagine that.”
“I was an acrylic nail hostage.”
“You can tell a lot about someone based on how they talk about Pelosi.”
“He reconstructed himself from a nub of a person.”
“I mean this in a positive way: I think he has a muppety voice. But, like, a sexy muppet, you know?”
“I turn into horse lips when I sleep.”
“That part is gonna take time to be retrained.”
“I have a ton of appointments today. Does that ever happen to you—like, all on the same day, you have a haircut and a pap schmear?”
“I actually don’t need you to poke my tights with a screwdriver.”
“I’m that way about never having mowed the lawn or changed a diaper.”
“I’m not even sure this person plays the harp.”
“Get me a dog suit and put me in coach.”
“When Pharrell was having his heyday—I mean, Pharrell is always having his heyday.”
“She is out of her bird cage but great.”
“He doesn’t strike me as a candle man.”
”Oh, he’s a candle man.”
”A Yankee boy.”
“This fish doesn’t exist.”
“I feel like your mouth is cleaner than a bowling ball.”
“You do have to take care of those holes for awhile...”
“Dad did squint at my wood.”
“Is my booty out?”
”That’s not a law, is it? You can have your booty out.”
”Not within a hundred feet of a school you can’t, and there’s one across the street.”
“I yearn for a soft pant until at least 1/5!”